you're my love muffin...

... read him e. e. cummings while he did boy things with his toolbox, kissed in the rain while we hid under my scarf, made love, shared a custard tart, had ice cream on our way to dinner, cuddled in our sleep, showered huddled together, went up and down the escalator at the theatre etc etc etc.

... i let him in a little more, and he let me in a lot. he says he believes in all or nothing, so the pink toothbrush stays in the mason jar with his, and my keychain has another key.

he must love me.

i cried and cried and cried and cried...

I fell in your arms tonight.
I fell hard in your arms tonight, it was nice.
I died in your arms tonight.
I slipped through into the afterlife,
it was nice...
I lost sight in your arms tonight, it was nice.
And hey, you, don't you think it's kinda cute
that I died right inside your arms tonight
that I'm fine even after I have died
because it was in your arms I died.
I cried in the afterlife
I cry hard because I have died,
and you're alive.
I try to escape afterlife.
I try hard to get back inside
your arms alive.

"tis an awkward thing to play with souls"...

Credit: cartoonstyles.blogspot.com

... the struggle with the whole concept of being in a relationship continues. My mind is so perversed in its notions of it, and it is hard to break my sadistic habits. My poor lover. I can't help but expect the worst and what saddens me the most, is that it is as if my heart is unconsciously stumbling in the the dark for reasons for me to run away. It has been so easy when I kept my distance and not cared; it's really frustrating to deal with this because none of it makes sense.

gotta love how life fucks with my head...

...normalcy is a priviledge that i was not meant to have in this life i guess.

"I was dead unti you found me, though I breathed.
I was sightless, though I could see.
And then you came... I was awakened"
- unknown

on another note, it's been a month now. wow. i did not know that i was capable of it. i'm still overwhelmed by disbelief at times. i don't have to censor anything, all the things i thought were ugly and unmentionable, he nonchalantly tells me that it's okay. i actually can sleep at his place (WOW.) and feel completely comfortable around him. i didn't know that a man could make me feel... this much feelings.

yuck.

feelings. lol. i guess i'm not dead inside after all.

l'amour est l'amour, just look at her face.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
-Bob Marley

i think you're beautiful.

... a Saturday full of lounging around, reading, eating, walking around, and napping with zee lover.

i said "ask me to stay" and he said...

credit: http://cartoonstyles.blogspot.com/

... "i want you to stay"


"please".

i knew it was coming. that feeling of being scared shitless. that feeling of panic. and that instinctual feeling to run away as far as i can. but i knew i wanted to stay.
i think he's actually good for me. which is a first.
work is better now that i'm not there during the day. i knew i was putting my eggs in the wrong basket but i was hoping i was wrong.