mine. yours.

... ate all weekend, went to bed at 11 drunk off of sparkling wine and woke up at 2:30. i can't get back to sleep... so i'm listening to some music, reading the manual to the sewing machine and still going through episodes of how i met your mother.

i'm going to the registrar today to sort out some school stuff, and within the next day or two, my student account balance will be at the green (not for long unfortunately, but still!)

i've been thinking about the future a lot. i've been trapped in this weird limbo, simultaneously living in the past, present, and the present; it was stressful. Now that i can afford to think about my past, all the shit that i've been ignoring all came back, forcing me to actually process everything instead of distracting myself so i don't get depressed. i also had the difficult task of coming up with a coherent narrative for the lover, so he can fill in all the blanks that he had about me.

anyways, i think SAW really did me good, being busy; this weekend (our 6 months anniversary weekend) was what really got me out of the funk though. i'm realizing that he is the one who encourages all the things that i always wanted to do, but always felt that i couldn't afford to do. not just financially, but emotionally as well. he makes me agree with cliches but in a good way (it almost seems wrong to saying this). i think we are both putting in a tremendous effort in trying to have a healthy relationship and to accept eachother for who we are, plus the baggage and the ugly stuff (even though he's probably doing the majority of the bulk when it comes to the latter).

oh my, i think i'm blabbing.

it's 6 in the morning and the sun hasn't come up. i'm confused.

... a successful week of Sexual Awareness at SEC. went to the symphony tonight, it was lovely; why is it so rainy these days?

tutoring, watching episodes of how i met your mother, sleeping, meeting up with the lover, and being at sec has filled my days lately.

i am a bit cranky these days also.

it will be our 6 months anniversary on Saturday. i am cooking for him.

sleep is my lover now
my forgetting
my opiate
my oblivion.

what am i to do about this man?

... goddamnit.

when you're worried that you're not nearly the person that you want to be, what does he do then?
well, he tells you that he loves you and that it's gonna be okay.

i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

edgar allan poe

do... do... do...

... do you?

people leave not because it's hard, but because it's no longer worth it.

i know you don't understand but thanks for listening.

... you don't make me feel ashamed, you just listen as if i was telling some story about someone else i once knew.

you can come with me, if you wish.

... long ass day yesterday. honestly, 13 hour days aren't exactly the ideal but being at home sucks the living energy out of me.

being here, i can't focus on myself; multitasking i can do flawlessly, but having 3 or 4 of my identities thrusted upon me at once, now that's draining. oh... the silent expectations. i've always thought that it was my duty to grin and bear it since there just wasn't anyone else who could or would. it has been my reality for the last 12 years, as the firstborn of an immigrant family. i've always felt suffocated by the lack of independence, lack of control, and most of all, the poverty.

these days i am realizing that it will be nearly impossible for me to move forward in my career, maintaining the roles and duties that i have been for as long as i can remember. something will have to give. and they'll just have to learn how to do things on their own.