it would've been easier if i had an accepting complacency towards the traditionally feminine traits and roles; perhaps i could have even enjoyed it, foolishly immersed in the swirl of aberrant notions of femininity thinking that i was fulfilling a natural order that is too easily taken for granted by many.
i wish my whole being didn't revolt every time i am forced to live out sexist expectations, i wish it didn't make me shake with anger, i wish it didn't take the degree of self control that is as painful as driving a dull knife into my thigh every time.
i may only be biting my lips but if you look close enough, i'm sure my hands are shaking from sheer repugnance; i may be smiling at you but i am disgusted by you to the core, and i would rather have you spit in my face.
sure, if you want me to smile, i'll smile. you want me to play the docile embodiment of your mother? fine. you ask me to do things that clearly screams to me that you only think of me as some empty headed piece of meat, sure, i would love to do it for you. oh, and would you like a happy ending with that?
ah, the perverted irony of life... it has taught me how to fake it to perfection, and keep my real self hidden.
and people frown upon prostitution? the real whoring goes on in offices and not behind closed doors.
anyway, this is how i know i wasn't meant for jobs like these. it's just too bad it's not the right time. for now, unfortunately money is going to have to be just money.
well... fuck.
