"she uses her voice like a hand, her voice reaches through the wall, stroking and touching."

he is my unicorn.

... mine mine mine.

that was random, but so is life. you just grab your thread and your needle and you hope you sew it right.

... just shortened a thrifted skirt. found a kickass yellow angora sweater with pretty beading and a floral skirt last week for the price of a latte.

work downtown is picking up a little this week. dinner with ingie and ju was lovely. the lover brought me strawberries at work last night <3 we're going to have some sparkling wine and a sexy evening tonight.

the days are sunny, it takes longer for the sun to go down, i can't wait for the warmth.

pinky swear, lock it, stamp it, bump pretties.

... when you call him because you want to talk and you shyly tell him that you feel insecure, he will tell you that you are the smartest and the most beautiful person he knows. and that you are awesome. and that he loves you.

then you will swoon. you will swoon hard.

sleep walking.

a>

... still not completely over the cold, but somewhat functional. my schedule in the last month or so has definitely been the slowest i've ever had it. although i'm enjoying this time to explore the things i've always wanted to do, it has been quite an odd time for me to have so much of it. ever since i got sick, i've been in this weird funk, (feeling insecure about myself and all) which i've been trying hard to get out of.

i ventured out yesterday in the blizzard (my god, i was glad too soon that i could finally see the ground instead of ice and snow), dropped by sec, had some pho, bought blush, tutored, went to thai for dinner with the lover, had dessert at the dimitri's that we had our first first date 2 years ago. mmmm... even after 6 and something months, i still can't get over how hot *swoon* and loving *swoon swoon* he is. i'm so glad that he actually likes it when i ogle him.

i've been steadily playing around with the sewing machine; two successful alterations, now i just need to get more thread in different colours. just did some laundry, munched on some clementines and digestive cookies dipped in coffee. going to tutor in a half an hour, then nothing much else planned today. life of luxury, i tell you.

sec general meeting tomorrow, i can't believe the year has gone by already. i can't wait to start school again in the summer. anyways, spending the night with the lover tomorrow, working this weekend, but ingie's coming home! play date! yay. i miss her lots.

let the sewing begin!

... finally after days of thumbing the manual (exactly a week actually), finally got around to turning on the sewing machine. After a youtube video that showed me how to correctly thread the damn thing, i just practiced on an old innocent scarf that was around after a few impatient attempts at finding materials to work on (i cleaned out my closet few weeks ago, and all the clothes i don't wear are either in a huge bag somewhere that my mom put aside or already in the donation box, who knows).

Still not hugely comfortable using the thing, so i will continue to sew the scarf to death until i feel confident enough to alter one of the few pieces i've been putting aside, hoping to get them altered (perhaps i knew secretly deep inside that i wanted a sewing machine all along).

Oh, all the clothes that need a sew here and there to make them wearable again, all the clothes i always thought a slight alteration would improve their look better on me, and all the great pieces i didn't get because i couldn't justifying the alteration costs that were more expensive than the clothing itself. Come to me!

Well, not right this second. But after a week or so when I am decent at this sewing with a machine thing!

on a different note, i've been really sick since Friday evening; the odd thing is that this cold has been progressing rather quickly. Even though I'm still sick, I feel like I'm already in the latter part of the suffering and it's only been 2 days. No complaints here about that though. Tried NeoCitran for the first time in my life, and it's not too bad.

i'm walking on sunshine

i'm loving the sun. couldn't sleep because of the goddamned wind rattling my windows all night but it's ok. i think today will be a good day. grabbing lunch with silva, trying out my sewing machine, tutoring, and date with the lover today.

i'm still in love with the chanel tattoos even though it's old. want them on my legs.

edit: ended up going to snakes and lattes with silva! we played dirty minds over lattes. went to see limitless with the lover in the evening, despite the general malaise that has come over me :(

in the green.

... spring is coming!

mine. yours.

... ate all weekend, went to bed at 11 drunk off of sparkling wine and woke up at 2:30. i can't get back to sleep... so i'm listening to some music, reading the manual to the sewing machine and still going through episodes of how i met your mother.

i'm going to the registrar today to sort out some school stuff, and within the next day or two, my student account balance will be at the green (not for long unfortunately, but still!)

i've been thinking about the future a lot. i've been trapped in this weird limbo, simultaneously living in the past, present, and the present; it was stressful. Now that i can afford to think about my past, all the shit that i've been ignoring all came back, forcing me to actually process everything instead of distracting myself so i don't get depressed. i also had the difficult task of coming up with a coherent narrative for the lover, so he can fill in all the blanks that he had about me.

anyways, i think SAW really did me good, being busy; this weekend (our 6 months anniversary weekend) was what really got me out of the funk though. i'm realizing that he is the one who encourages all the things that i always wanted to do, but always felt that i couldn't afford to do. not just financially, but emotionally as well. he makes me agree with cliches but in a good way (it almost seems wrong to saying this). i think we are both putting in a tremendous effort in trying to have a healthy relationship and to accept eachother for who we are, plus the baggage and the ugly stuff (even though he's probably doing the majority of the bulk when it comes to the latter).

oh my, i think i'm blabbing.

it's 6 in the morning and the sun hasn't come up. i'm confused.

... a successful week of Sexual Awareness at SEC. went to the symphony tonight, it was lovely; why is it so rainy these days?

tutoring, watching episodes of how i met your mother, sleeping, meeting up with the lover, and being at sec has filled my days lately.

i am a bit cranky these days also.

it will be our 6 months anniversary on Saturday. i am cooking for him.

sleep is my lover now
my forgetting
my opiate
my oblivion.

what am i to do about this man?

... goddamnit.

when you're worried that you're not nearly the person that you want to be, what does he do then?
well, he tells you that he loves you and that it's gonna be okay.

i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

edgar allan poe

do... do... do...

... do you?

people leave not because it's hard, but because it's no longer worth it.

i know you don't understand but thanks for listening.

... you don't make me feel ashamed, you just listen as if i was telling some story about someone else i once knew.

you can come with me, if you wish.

... long ass day yesterday. honestly, 13 hour days aren't exactly the ideal but being at home sucks the living energy out of me.

being here, i can't focus on myself; multitasking i can do flawlessly, but having 3 or 4 of my identities thrusted upon me at once, now that's draining. oh... the silent expectations. i've always thought that it was my duty to grin and bear it since there just wasn't anyone else who could or would. it has been my reality for the last 12 years, as the firstborn of an immigrant family. i've always felt suffocated by the lack of independence, lack of control, and most of all, the poverty.

these days i am realizing that it will be nearly impossible for me to move forward in my career, maintaining the roles and duties that i have been for as long as i can remember. something will have to give. and they'll just have to learn how to do things on their own.