The Collector

His place was like a museum. There was so much art everywhere. I went upstairs to use the bathroom. More art wrapped up in paper. "Careful not to touch anything," I told myself. Then I tripped on a vacuum cleaner... damn.

I was his object.

In the morning, I woke up next to him; it felt nice to be close. I noticed he put up a new painting. Pretty. I watched him get ready to take a shower; a cue for me to get dressed.

On my way out, he asked me, "How's your life?" to which I responded by looking away. He asked me again, "How's your life?"

"It's fine," I said.

Except it wasn't fine.

"I read your Facebook. The one about the girl in the New York Times. It was funny."

I couldn't remember what he was talking about. He was reading up on me. But I was right here.

"Are those shoes new?"

I wore them on our first date.

"Did you cut your hair?"

Like a month ago.

Collectors are like that. They don't have to interact with their beloved objects all the time. It's just... there. And every now and then they take an interest, but otherwise, there's no upkeep. His life was like a museum. Well curated. But poorly kept.

from http://luluandyourmom.blogspot.com/

adventures adventures...

... met up with ingie Friday, went on a random 'let's get your ear pierced' adventure in the heat. so much fun. i always have fun with that girl. then went to ultra with adrianna and her cousins; it was really nice on the patio, and her cousins are all so friendly.

then i went to the lover's house and we slept, ate, had naughty times... we slept for like 15 hours. lol. insane, i know.

the lover: "sleep, eat, sex. then we'll travel, which will give us a more imaginative and adventurous settings to sleep, eat, and have sex" when speaking about the future. lol.

gotta do some readings, then i guess i'll go to bed. oh, and i might be cystastic, i'm not sure yet.

what... is... going on...?

... had two coffees today, with the second one being had around 9 and i'm so tired already.

i really want to get a start on the paper due tomorrow (this is me trying to be ahead of schedule), but wow, my eyes are twitching because I want to go to bed.

busy week. blistering weather. not a great mix.

our trip for next month is slowly coming together. i'm so excited! i'm really looking forward to me and the lover's first trip together.

it will be 37 degrees tomorrow. hot damn.

i'll be like the woman in the picture, but it will not be water. i will be covered in sweat.

wait, i'm not so sleepy anymore. how funny. does caffeine induced alertness come in waves, just like sleep?

did you know that you can email your printer and it will print for you? oh, the world of technology.

... Saturday full of failures. even failure is fun when it is with you, lover! Sunday was play monopoly with ice cream, chicken fingers, fries, and cherry cocktail day.

oh and i finally got a printer that loves me. or loves me enough to cooperate.

i miss having long hair.

summer, why won't you slow down? can't we take a bit longer to get to know each other?

... it's friday already! oh my stars, i feel like july is flying by. don't know if that's a good thing, seeing as there are still things to be done. lots of things.

love kerfuffle with the lover; he went into passive self destructive mode, which consisted of late night ice cream eating, video game playing, and drinking of MY sparkling wine. then he withheld his usual text message in the morning. by 3 pm, he called me and told me that he tried to be mad at me but couldn't really be mad. he felt silly and didn't know why he was trying to be mad at me.

i went over and made him lemon chicken rolls. they were delicious (i know this because i ate all the ugly ones). then we spent half an hour in discussion position, then i left for class and he went to play tennis.

time and time again, we reaffirm our affections even through unpleasantries.

it's really difficult for me still to communicate things properly. i struggle and struggle. it's hard, but i'm trying to open up more. i feel so inadequate, because i struggle when it comes to telling him what i'm feeling.

i really need to focus on my school work, but it's getting harder and harder as the temperature rises.

we decided to go to montreal; we'll probably leave on our 11th month anniversary, next month. can't believe we're only 2 months away from a year! good for us.

here we are again.

... another assignment. due in 8 hours. lol. gotta love the pressure.

this is how i get my adrenaline fix. starting assignments on the day of. so sad. lol.

it's funny, i spent the morning drinking oj and fiddling with my facebook privacy settings. which lead me to think about the direction i am going in. i'm glad that at least my passion is shown through the things i dabble in. i'm really glad.

Edit: coffee is plentiful, the lover sent me a cute picture of a bunny, my outline is ready, my tummy is full, the sun is shining, and i am ready to write in 10 minutes! life is good.

i love how your smell travels with me all the way home after we've spent the weekend together.

... another lovely weekend. i think i spent the whole weekend in my leopard print bikini top.

went to the beach on saturday and now the lover is lobster red! we tried to even out his tan (his hands and neck are dark because they peek out of his dress shirt) and we failed miserably. went to the grocery store, got stuff for tacos and ice cream.

today, had brunch with ingie and anubha at saving grace (what a cute little place! they had really good food. it was near the hoof restaurant; that area is amazing for food, but too bad the transit is really shitty getting there). was an hour late because i decided to snuggle up into his armpit for an extra 5 minutes which turned into an hour. we all walked around queen west looking at cute vintage stores, decided everything was expensive then went on a mission for cheap clothes which lead us to joe fresh. we then shopped around at the eaton centre.

i was tired and hungry again by the time we were done... but the lover had chicken fingers ready in the oven for me :D i scarfed them down, had some more ice cream, and fell asleep in his armpit again while he watched a movie. he woke me up with a sexy surprise... (mmmmmmmmmmmm). we talked about travelling plans; i think we'll go to montreal sometime soon. on the way to the subway station, we spontaneously decided to go to the theatre. had shwarmas while we laughed our butts off.

i love my peeps. so much fun. now time for some work. starting tomorrow, because i am so sleepy.

... this week went by really quickly, but i'm still tired nonetheless.

lots of errands to run today, and lots of readings i have to get done. my morning hasn't been the smoothest; hopefully, the rest of the day will be productive.

i feel like i'm growing a girl mullet. i know it doesn't look like a mullet but i feel like i am.

will i ever find a printer that will love me right?

beach tmr with my beloved i think. i called him at 2 in the morning, fully knowing that he's asleep (i missed him, damn it!). he answered my call with the cutest and the groggiest "i miss you", then 2 minutes of him ruffling in his blankets. another "i love you baby", then more ruffling around <3

lots of break ups around me lately. i think it's better to break up soon after you realize that it's not going to work (after much effort to make it work of course). But in the end, people leave not because it's hard, but because it's just not worth it anymore.

i know love is supposed to look beyond the gain and loss factor, but love in relationships are so rare these days to begin with. I know they exist, but i also know that self love often triumphs which is also fair in my opinion.

break ups are always unfair, it's always hurtful and disappointing, and most of all, it always just sucks.

but relationships are hard, and it's harder to have a good one. so you just keep searching.

Edit: wow, today was the worst day ever. bunch of assholes in my face everywhere (including tiny children running around), the subway not cooperating and what not. but had some quality tlc time with the lover.

todotodotodotodo.

... slept in this morning and was awakened by the lover's call. he sounded happy so that made me happy. *bunny wiggles*

i figured out my course thing for next year. looks like i'm gonna have the first semester off. what to do?

going to a jazz lounge tomorrow night with the lover and i'm going to wear a pretty dress that will go 'woosh woosh'.

to do this month:
- pay tuition (here i come poverty, we meet again. AGAIN goddamnit.)
- alter my mustard trousers, time to break out my sewing machine
- rock climbing
- license
- renew warranty on the lappy
-sec things.

oh and i decided that july will be my crazy work out month. my body will be close to perfection and i will let myself go for the winter lol i'm also trying to healthier.

we will grow old, but our eyes will stay the same.

...fantastic, but tiring weekend.

went to an art show by queer artists, went for dimsum, and hung out with adrie on thursday, transformers with the lover and the brother on friday, pravda with ingie et al on saturday, pride today :) oh yeah, i finally found a black silk rope; it was a sexy surprise that he enjoyed very much.

the lover and i are learning how to communicate better for eachother. i love him, but at times we miss eachother entirely when it comes to certain things. we are so eager to make the other happy and yet we still get it wrong once in awhile.

he tries to see things through my eyes so that he doesn't upset me; i do things to make him happy and do whatever it costs to avoid confrontations or shut down emotionally. i hate confrontations. but i'm learning that that is not the best way to deal with things. i can't help but just shut down though... i stopped with the physical running away, but i'm realizing that i'm doing a lot of the emotional running away these days. i just shut down emotionally when i panic.

i love him and i'm happy; i'm afraid that something bad will happen. it's sad, but true. i shut down, i take my time to think, i express how i feel, and that is me trying my hardest to get a grip over my own feelings. it's very difficult. emotions are very confusing things. i feel insecure about certain things in our relationship because i just don't know if i'm supposed to be feeling what i'm feeling. i ask myself: 'am i right or am i just bonkers?'

anywho, i still feel bad and i apologize to the lover for not being able to be the best 'normal' gf... (which quite frankly is an impossibility with a baggage ridden individual, such as i) i'm still trying to figure out how you're supposed to balance compromise and the sense of own self.

we did come up with a "discussion position" though: us hugging tightly cheek to cheek, while i straddle him like a koala. we decided that we will have all our semi serious conversations in this position. the physical closeness makes us feel better about things.

how. nerdy. are. we.