...fantastic, but tiring weekend.
went to an art show by queer artists, went for dimsum, and hung out with adrie on thursday, transformers with the lover and the brother on friday, pravda with ingie et al on saturday, pride today :) oh yeah, i finally found a black silk rope; it was a sexy surprise that he enjoyed very much.
the lover and i are learning how to communicate better for eachother. i love him, but at times we miss eachother entirely when it comes to certain things. we are so eager to make the other happy and yet we still get it wrong once in awhile.
he tries to see things through my eyes so that he doesn't upset me; i do things to make him happy and do whatever it costs to avoid confrontations or shut down emotionally. i hate confrontations. but i'm learning that that is not the best way to deal with things. i can't help but just shut down though... i stopped with the physical running away, but i'm realizing that i'm doing a lot of the emotional running away these days. i just shut down emotionally when i panic.
i love him and i'm happy; i'm afraid that something bad will happen. it's sad, but true. i shut down, i take my time to think, i express how i feel, and that is me trying my hardest to get a grip over my own feelings. it's very difficult. emotions are very confusing things. i feel insecure about certain things in our relationship because i just don't know if i'm supposed to be feeling what i'm feeling. i ask myself: 'am i right or am i just bonkers?'
anywho, i still feel bad and i apologize to the lover for not being able to be the best 'normal' gf... (which quite frankly is an impossibility with a baggage ridden individual, such as i) i'm still trying to figure out how you're supposed to balance compromise and the sense of own self.
we did come up with a "discussion position" though: us hugging tightly cheek to cheek, while i straddle him like a koala. we decided that we will have all our semi serious conversations in this position. the physical closeness makes us feel better about things.
how. nerdy. are. we.
