you shouldn't fear the endings.

to be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle that you are ever going to fight. never stop fighting. e. e. cummings.

that looks like a path. is that the way to reach the top from here? Not for this morning, but some other time: I must be getting back to breakfast now. robert frost.

ugh, i'm going to sneeze my brains out. me.

too much, too little. give it to mama.

... still trying figure out how to balance having my own space and my need for being desired.

often we forget to draw boundaries, especially when it comes to the ones that you care about. you do the best that you can, but sometimes they need to be set.

i began sneezing saturday and i feel pretty ill this evening. slept for an hour til i got a bunch of txts from silva in re med school applications. i'm glad that i can be of help. it'll be more neocitrin drinkin' for me tomorrow at work. it's getting quite busy and in a way, having my day go by faster is appreciated.

the reverse trick of treating at sec went really well, didn't end up going to the zoo (again)... instead we opted for a day of laziness. the third time is the charm? we're supposed to go this sunday, but the forecast says it's going to rain. i've been joking about the significance of going to the zoo over the years, but i think it's actually becoming something.

i've been wanting to read the atonement by ian mcewan. Adrie have been raving about the book, and i really liked some of the quotes from that book like:

"The cost of oblivious daydreaming was always this moment of return, the realignment with what had been before and now seemed a little worse. Her reverie, once rich in plausible details, had become a passing silliness before the hard mass of the actual. It was difficult to come back." (p. 72)

"Nothing as singular or as important had happened since the day of his birth. She returned his gaze, struck by the sense of her own transformation, and overwhelmed by the beauty in a face which a lifetime's habit had taught her to ignore. She whispered his name with the deliberation of a child trying out the distinct sounds. When he replied with her name, it sounded like a new word - the syllables remained the same, the meaning was different. Finally he spoke the three simple words that no amount of bad art or bad faith can ever quite cheapen. She repeated them, with exactly the same emphasis on the second word, as if she had been the one to say them first. He had no religious belief, but it was impossible not to think of an invisible presence or witness in the room, and that these words spoken aloud were like signatures on an unseen contract." (p. 129)

you. and. i.

... finished the training, just a 6 hour observe and then off i go! it was a great experience to be in training and i'm looking forward to the time i will have with the TRCC/MWAR.

the lover and i walked around and came back with two tubs of ice cream and a bag of frozen mangos. yum. then went to the sex show today. i saw my first live burlesque show and it was beautifully done.

i ended up getting more black silk rope in the length that i originally wanted, and a tenga egg for the lover. we were having fun with it, until it broke. booo. well, there goes my $10. still in its egg container for future use as a fleshlight.

just had pho for dinner and some bouncing in the streets. it's the greatest thing ever! it entertains me so, when we are walking side by side with our arms around eachother, and he lifts me up as we skip. sounds and looks nerdy but so. fun. @#$%%^^&&$%#$. it makes me so happy. i love bouncing around like yoshi.

oh got my red wig that ordered! yay!

... i've been in a mood to spend, but i just haven't seen anything that i love enough to buy. i think it's just frustration from not being able to find an affordable but sturdy and stylish winter boots is transferring into a mutated need for new things.

this is why i've found it so difficult to dress appropriately in the winter.

so thankful for friday tomorrow. today went by really quickly. it may have had something to do with the extra hour of sleep that i got last night. it's just a theory.

rocking purple today for spirit day. i'm going to the everything to do with sex show this weekend. i hope they have some good freebies. do they give out freebies? hmmph. whatever.

i've decided that next month will be the month that i actually go rock climbing. i've been putting it off since the beginning of the summer!

lookin' for my new cheese.

... is it too early to feel like the year is winding down? because i'm already onto the next one. i'm ready to finish off some things, i'm ready to start new things, and already we're in the latter part of October.

this weekend, the training is finished, and after two observes i shall be on the lines.

work is steady during the day. some evenings are frustrating, and i don't know if i can last until January as I initially planned. i just have to make sure i'm covered financially, but the end of the year is always a slow time for me. i shall mull over it some more.

the weather is disturbing, glad to be inside finally.

resisting the tendency to fall back into my solitary survival mode was difficult, but in the end, the lover is like my blanket that i can burrow in. i'm learning to express the kind of support that I need; we are both learning.

things will slow down a little, which is very much welcomed. i would love some time for myself. i'll at least get my weekend back. that will make a whole world's difference.

... can't sleep

coincidence? I think not.

... i come back home and the fan in my laptop is so much louder than before. a few days after steve jobs dies, this happens?

and i said 'suck it' to their $300 extended warranty. mainly because i had no cash at the time. in life, you must take gambles.

i think i had the best thanksgiving dinner as of yet. my family never really celebrates anything, and when we do something, it's just so awkward and forced.

potluck at ingrid's with turkey and soooooooooo much more food than we could finish; plenty of wine and friends. the best.

the lover and I were supposed to go to the zoo, but instead we continued eating and lazing around. then we finally ventured outside today to replenish with vitamin d. can't believe the weekend is over. sadness. at least it's a short week.

i think i'm gonna pass out, i'm so exhausted...

Real men do not love the most beautiful woman in the world, they love the woman who can make their world the most beautiful.

edit

... still feeling the aftermaths of the training this weekend. so much sharing of emotions. wow. so exhausting.

I survived Monday; the weather was gloomy and it was hard to leave the lover's place to go to work.

i was hoping for a quiet lazy evening, but where did it go? It's past midnight already.

What? I'm home at 8:30? What, what?

I know. I can't believe it either. I'm home at 8:30 PM and I have nowhere else I have to be. Praise Jebus.

Just came back from a day of training as a rape crisis counsellor and tutoring my student. It was a tiring, but good day. Amazing group of women. I often feel out of place in a group of women, but in this one, I did not. I'm glad that today was just an affirmation that I had made the right choice about this organization.

It also made me really thankful for my partner; I already knew that he was an amazing and lovely person, but I'm now much more appreciative of all the things that I did not notice or realize before. He's such an understanding and a loving person. I love him so much.

By being home tonight, it means that I'm missing nuit blanche this year. I've been going for the last three years or so, but honestly, I'm foregoing culture for the sake of sleep. And sadly, I won't be able to see Dawn this time around. She's leaving tomorrow night, which is the only somewhat free night for me. Instead, I shall be watching 50/50 with my lover.

If you didn't know that fall is here, I'm sure you found out today as the weather outside is quite chilly. I had to change from my dress and knee high socks to full on pants and jacket. Brrrrrr...

Like I said before, I think I'll get to rest or have a sliver of time for myself during the thanksgiving weekend. Which is now next weekend! Yipeeeeeee!