As relaxing as it can be.

today has been such a nice day. Slept in, made some green tea and finally got around to writing christmas cards that still needs to be sent out. went grocery shopping and made a yummy dinner of pasta salad, perogies and bruschetta. made plans to see my lovely ladies in the next few days. i'm so happy that eric loved the bunny body pillow i made for him. he's getting me a hand mixer that i've been swooning over. he's perfect.

beat the system!

between eric and i, i always jokingly say "beat the system!", but deep down, i really think that it is important to resist a lot of societal structures that are in place. one of them is capitalism, sustained by consumerism. i am really trying to be mindful of my spending these days to resist consumerism. i am even trying to limit the joy of thrifting, because i feel like i am getting more clothes that i don't necessarily need (i can't use the 50% off days at goodwill to justify my needless purchases). i have not fully perfected it yet, but i am going to resist buying, spending and consuming so much. it's hard, because i sure do love knick knacks... but, i feel like i have enough "stuff". it is definitely harder to limit the consumption of services though. one step at a time, i guess. a lot of things going on right now, trying to get references from profs, do my application, do the test and wrapping things up at work. i feel really sleep right now though and it's only 9 pm. *yawn*

i pretty much watched youtube videos all day...

... and i feel like i'm failing at life. i'll go take a shower and read a bit so that i can stop this self hate that is almost muted by my laziness. almost. you know you are in trouble, when you are just too damn lazy for emotions.

must listen to my intuition.

... i bought these delightful sandals in cobalt blue from forever 21 for $20. I was very excited until i stepped outside my door. Walked down to the end of the road and almost wiped out three times. Went straight back to the store and returned them. i thought these would change my mind about buying cheap shoes from forever 21. now i'm scarred for life.

thrifting

spent $40 and came back with two bags of awesome clothes. and this is why my wardrobe is about 80% thrifted now... buy a dress from forever 21 or get a big bag of wonderful, better quality clothes... hmmmmmm...

saturday afternoon thoughts...

... i wish i could live in a world where i had a money tree and i could be a fashion blogger, doing diy's, not worrying about anything.

OPI Dutch Treats Holland Collection

... i've never paid more than $3 for nail polish before. it is only recently that i considered buying the $9 OPI nail polish in Berry Daring, after a long and frustrating search for a cheap alternative. i went for a mani and pedi with a spa gift certificate (birthday present from my friend, silva) not too long ago and fell in love with the deep fuschia. i managed to find a no name nail polish in the same shade for $1.50 in new york, which chipped the day after i put it on, which put a damper on my short lived excitement. the other day, i went to a health store to buy cranberry pills (which are great for preventing uti's) and realized that there was a newly opened outlet store with nail polishes and make up by NYX. "Kiss Me On My Tulips" caught my eye in this mini collection and for $15 with tax (which makes each bottle $3.75), i thought it was worth a try even with the tiny 3.75 ml bottles. i'm starting to think that these small bottles are the way to go, since i don't usually end up finishing a normal sized bottle of nail polish. it was nice to pop the tiny bottle in my bag for a quick polish change on the go and the smaller brushes don't bother me. i've tried "Kiss Me On My Tulips" and "Red Lights Ahead... Where?" so far; they are both really opaque and bright. With two coats, they started to chip in about 3 days. To be honest, i'm not too fond of "I Have A Herring Problem". It's an odd bluish grey colour with sparkles, which i don't think will look with my skin tone. "Pedal Faster, Suzi" seems sheer, but i will only find out when i try it out.

Alexis WIN

so, this is the exactly the same kimono-esque jacket that i got from buffalo exchange in nyc for $8. apparently this sold for $102 on indie cult vintage (http://stores.ebay.com/indie-cult-vintage):

bangles for your ankles.

my recent purchase on ebay. in silver and much cheaper in price and quality.

Living a life of the mind turns you into a kite; you fly and fly while looking down, when the mundane and the everyday yanks you back violently and unexpectedly. So you bleed down, trickling slowly down the string to cover its hand in whatever it is that makes you fly. like thick blue ink that slowly coats and undoubtedly will stain.

A Map to the Door of No Return by Dionne Brand

"I took life and I faced her and kissed her, and then went through the tunnels of the mines to see how other men live. And when I came out, my hands stained with garbage and sadness I held my hands up and showed them to the generals, and said: "I am not a part of this crime." ... I had brought joy over to my side" (Brand 99). "And to have "others" constantly remark on your presence as outside of itself. If to think is to exist, then we exist doubly. An ordinary conversation is never an ordinary conversation. One cannot say the simplest thing without doubling or being doubled for the image that emerged from the doorway" (Brand 50). "Too much has been made of origins. And so if I reject this notion of origins I have also to reject its mirror, which is the sense of origins used by the powerless to contest power in a society. The overstrong arguments about "culture," which are made both by defenders of what is "Canadian" as well as defenders of what is labelled "immigrant." These are mirror/image-image/mirror of each other and are invariably conservative. Because they must draw very definite borders both to contain their constituencies as well as, in the case of the power, to aggressively exclude the other and, in the case of the powerless, to weakly do the same while waving a white flag to the powerful for inclusion" (Brand 69).

veritas inlustrat

a lovely weekend in nyc, full of eating, sight seeing and kissing at various tourist attractions. a dense city, felt even more so with the humidity. now that my 4 day vacay is over, it's time to play catch up.

bad ass shoes that i got while i was in Boston, but haven't had the balls to wear out for longer than an hour.

... steve madden's "dynemite"

madness

my days are long and hectic. i've been doing a lot, thinking a lot, writing a lot, trying to really listen. i've got a pink and orange notebook that i began to write in, trying not to edit my thoughts so much. and then there is everything else in my life that requires micromanaging and thinking structurally, but who am i to think that i could "manage" anything in life anyways? how do we really "manage" our lives, "manage" other people...? anyways, my schedule tomorrow is just in-sane. back to back from 9 am til 10 pm. woot. i'm looking forward to a little bit of time i have in the morning on Friday. i'm going to go thrifting! Yay for 50% off Fridays at Goodwill - i could never go because i always work, but what a rare treat. then off to work. but, yay the long weekend! and then back to the grind.

for women who are difficult to love.

You are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you compares you to an impossible highway to a burning house says you are blinding him that he could never leave you forget you want anything but you, you dizzy him, you are unbearable every woman before or after you is doused in your name you fill his mouth his teeth ache with memory of taste his body just a long shadow seeking yours but you are always too intense frightening in the way you want him unashamed and sacrificial he tells you that no man can live up to the one who lives in your head and you tried to change didn’t you? Closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? You can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love. - warsan shire

i don't know how it happened...

... but i know that in love you can find healing and forgiveness, often together in an embrace. "i don't believe; i know." it doesn't feel like a month; it feels like years.

The world is not making sense...

... “Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. Je ne l’ai pas fait exprès.”

when it comes to love...

... there is no such thing as pride. i love you.

i am so glad that i'll have all the details down.

i haven't worn my glasses or my contacts for two and a half years now. the world has too much ugliness and it is overstimulating. i don't want to see the leaves in the trees, because they will make me want to stop and stay there as long as it took for me to continue on my journey. i don't want to see my reflection in the stranger's eyes and the life that they carry in them before they look away on the subway train; i would rather look at their shoes to guess what kind of a person they might be. i don't want to see the next street over, because i would rather have to walk up to the street sign to be able to know for sure. i want the street lamps to look like lit candles, because i don't want to see all the cigarette buds and the little pieces of paper on the cement with all the cracks. but i'm still raw with love, raw with happiness, raw with vulnerability, raw with curiosity, raw with laughter, raw with love making, raw with rebellion, raw with anger, raw with uncertainty, raw with tears that overflow, raw with his skin on my skin. i had a great weekend. it was filled with much sunshine. walked down to st. george station after work, facing the sun. tutored, hurried back to meet my love at keele station. cuddled all the way to the rom, cuddled in the line, cuddled cuddled cuddled. busily tried to spend my rom bucks on food, saw all the cool dinosaurs with ingrid, ju, will et al., changed into ingrid's knicker shorts so that my butt had rattling sequins and danced at wrongbar - it was 'big primping' night. giggling in the streets: ingrid, julian, anubha, lauren, dayna, ola, eric and i. danced with eric when he got tipsy, got sweaty, hopped on the couches and danced some more. went back home for some sexy times. planned to get up at 10, but slepted in until 1. grabbed yummy brunch while i told eric that i was sad that i haven't spoken to sara in a long time, bought arizonas, went to the movies for the avengers, and then walked to get some korean food. more loving at home. went to see the avengers again in my bright yellow dress, bought ice caps and walked outside with my bare legs. more loving at home. nap time. more loving. then we got chicken nuggets, cheese burgers, a caramel sundae, french fries from mcdonald's and sat outside to eat. now i'm back on the west end... hoping to read, shower, watch a show and go to bed, but it's already midnight and i'm going to have to give up on a few of those.

Things I've been "collecting" lately

-maxi dresses -crocheted shorts -pigmented lip things (i think they call them lipsticks) -books on writing -extra flesh from eating too much or too often

25.

... work has been really making me think of bad things as of late.
oh i don't know, like me bursting into flames.
is this real life?

obviously this dude is better at hating work than i am: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/50-morbid-thoughts-im-having-at-work/

people say money can't buy you happiness.
it sure can buy you sanity though.

you're healing the heart that you did not break and the pain that you did not cause.

i've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one...

... i think this is the point in the night where you realize you won't be going to sleep after all.

i asked her what she want to be when she's 25, she turned around and looked at me and said "alive"...

... shiiiiit i'm going to be in my mid 20s next month. all weekend, i slept and now i've got an essay to finish.

oh well. so, in the last few weeks, i had a bit of a quarter life crisis... the future and the uncertainty is a daunting giant to overcome.

i decided that i'm going to invest as much as i can in myself... foolish? maybe. I won't find out until i try.

spring is coming, and so is summer. even the air smells different. another year coming and going... people say time goes by faster as you get older.

don't need to say it twice, I'm a believer.

i've dicking around for the last 8 hours, i feel like i'm gurgling on my own flesh and i keep trying to cough it out, my hair smells like a week old stale crackers even though i washed it yesterday.

i realized that i love looking at thrifted things on blogs, because it's just like rom coms: you know you can never have the exactly same thing, but it give you hope that you'll find your own that's more awesome because you found it.

too sentimental? i think so.

http://garypeppervintage.blogspot.com/

another blog that i stalk that i do not hesitate in admitting. whoa, all her pictures are... perfect.

small joys in life. taking a hot shower and deciding to go to bed instead of reading as you should be.

trivia night tomorrow, yay! i hope we get to play.

my shoulders bear the lives that were lived, the lives that are being lived, and lives that are to be lived.

... wonderful long weekend. after a tiring week, we celebrated our belated valentine's Friday together. With gifts of food for eachother and other joys. went to Biagio for dinner, a drink at pravda and homebound for more treats (macarons, egg tarts, fruits and more). watched the vow the next day and went thrifting with ingie (i went a little crazy and came back with a bag full of clothes! thank god they were having a 50% off sale). Another lovely dinner made by ingie (she has magic hands, whatever she makes is delicious) which resulted in all of us being in a food coma. Dolled up and headed to courthouse for adrie's b day, followed by a midnight food run to the owl. a korean feast for three at three in the morning? Awesome sauce.

then me and the lover slept and slept and slept. we only woke up to eat and cuddle.

it's Valentine's day everyday.

in the 10th hour of procrastination...

... i began what i was supposed to be doing.

now i'm sleepy, my brain isn't all that keen in being creative or engaging in concepts with complexity.

aaand, i fail at life.

Must get work done...

... i'm so exhausted. i just had a 3 hour nap and i still don't want to do anything... instead i'm browsing blogs and staring at a christmas tin and thinking how knowing sometimes can be limiting. until the moment i open the lid, it is full of a million different possibilities, until i open it and see that there's nothing there but crumbs.

i'm so emo.

oh baby, come explore my narnia.

... is it weird that one of the main reasons i go on facebook is to look at pictures of Eric and drool over him? he's just so freaking handsome, you know? it's weird. after almost a year and a half, i find myself swooning harder and harder.

January is a chaotic whirl that has me by the collar and dragging me forward. i don't know where the month is going and i feel like i'm constantly trying to catch up but am unable to.

got a few chances to see some friends though, which makes me happy :D

i'm sorry i missed your call.

... let's see, i think i wrote in here after the new year. i did, didn't i?

well, let me know tell you that January has been relentless. it's a fast interchange between work, school and volunteering; it's taking a bit for me to keep up.

anyways, they're all blessings.

silva's b day overflowed with food and dancing; we had so much fun!

The perfect Sunday morning.

... Browsing postsecret and eating egg tarts for breakfast in bed, with my baby sound asleep by my side with his hand on my bosom. About to go make some homemade pizza and go skating and shopping.

Happiness.