NYE

... smooches at midnight.

Anyone can be passionate...

... but it takes real lovers to be silly
- Rose Franken

the emptiness can't be stopped.

and yet what are we to do about this terribly significant business about other people? so ill equipped are we all to envision one another's interior working and invisible aims. philip broth

i dont want to be tempted.

you can try to lift my heavy heart, but it's not my fault that my heart is a frightened little whore.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant. Alan Greenspan

now i'm filled with a different kind of desperation...

... not to keep you out, but to keep you closer.

Very likely somewhat likely somewhat unlikely or very unlikely

The new year has been on my mind a lot lately, especially since I'm getting closer and closer to my mid twenties. Next year I will be 24, no longer mid way to my mid twenties. So many things I want to accomplish, and I just hope that persistence will allow me to see them through.

what i feel like today

"And I've laid a happy claim on you"

..."because I want to stay As long as you think I may"
-My lover

I guess if we have sex, our love will turn to wine.

The year is winding down, and my winter will be a cozy one, spent burrowed in his embrace. Nothing and everything happened this year, it seems. Slowly he somehow finds his way through my years of conditioning and I am amazed.

Although 2010 was full of unfulfilled endeavors, I still have hope for the new one; I'm glad that I allowed myself to take the time to breathe, and to slow down my pace. I've become something different since last year and it pleases me to know that I am continuing to change.

I am shuffling forward, dancing with time and its challenges; i know my spirit is awake and I've learned to feel again. I wonder what 2011 will have to unfold.

love letters.

to my lover, i said:

I was waiting for the longest time,
as I listened to my shallow breaths in darkness
then there you were
and i knew there was no in between
when it is love

until my flesh and my soul mingled with yours,
i did not know that my heart which only knows how to complicate
could be so easily grasped
when I say that I have to go while my eyes beg for you to ask me to stay
you somehow already knew that i wanted to be saved.

your presence lingers and is pressed against me
it is what drapes over my mind and cozies upon my breast
it fiercely embraces me, but does not tame
and now i know that you’re the one that makes me feel
this and that, nothing and everything, from here to there

we are filled with surprise
i can hear your heart’s chatter through your green eyes
that speaks of love and longing
and it must be true
because i believe them


My lover said:

Right from the beginning
I think we've had that fire...
The kind that's hot enough
To bind a heart's desire.
And this desire is strong,
There's no mistaking this passion,
Stronger than all the douchebags,
Whose love they must ration.

Still sometimes, my love,
You make me use force,
To keep you from hopping away,
To keep you on course.
I do it for one reason
And one reason only,
That without each other,
We'd be ever so lonely...

Maybe I'd be more lonely,
Okay so maybe you,
Or maybe there's no maybe,
Or maybe I'm screwed.
Simply screwed up baby,
Thinking of you.
Maybe, baby, I'm crazy...
Yeah that's probably true.

But I'm in love with you,
Miss Jenny Choi.
Heart through and through
Mind simpler than a boy,
You must've noticed by now,
I'm really not that clever;
Without you, simplicity
Turns to endeavor.

Now after all this time we've spent,
Well I guess it's not that much...
At least relatively speaking anyway,
We fit nicely together and such.
We fit more like a frustrating puzzle,
With pieces missing, some long lost.
It doesn't matter though. It is what it is,
With these lines that we have crossed.

I can't get enough,
I can't sit still,
I can't quite breathe,
I can't get my fill,
And truly, baby,
I'd submit to your will.

winterchubbylicious.

so happy in love. hop hop hop hop.

you-with-me
around(me)you
IYou

sir, i beg your pardon.

so i decided to put off school til the summer. i'm not certain if i'm doing this because it'll make me happy, or if i'm doing this because i'm being cowardly. am i just going to waste another 5 months to avoid stress or am i just allowing myself sanity?

time. i want to foolishly believe that it's all i've got, but it will begin to turn against me soon, and i can feel it.

the contentment, the satisfaction derived of the stability and the ordinary will slowly fill my lungs and before i know it, i will watch the self that i knew slowly float away with a half smile and glazed eyes.

you're intoxicating. you got me crazy over you.

credit: lelove

i was waiting for
the
longest time
and then
you
were there
standing
in front of
me

let's give it another whirl, because i know exactly what will happen...

... and i want to take a different path with you, and when it is love, there is no in between.


you can say "shut your face" whenever i babble non sense, you can hold me when i am crying and burrowing in your hug, we can stare at eachother with smiles, we can kiss and touch, you can make me feel, we can do so many things together.

thanks, i had fun, take care, goodbye.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." Marilyn Monroe.

i should run away when i can. or, foolishly go trust blindly off the fucking cliff to my demise. hmmmmm...

i feel... numb. I think i feel something else too, but i'm not sure what it is... do i feel hurt? angry? frustrated? it's hard to tell.


i don't think i want to feel right now.

i'm trying really hard to think positively though. damn, am i trying hard.

just spoke to Ingie, god it's so good to talk to her. she always knows... always.

so i'm not crazy, and i'm just going to talk to him about it. like a sane person does when in a healthy relationship.

My November Guest

My Sorrow, when she's here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walked the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure will not let me stay.
She talks and I am fain to list:
She's glad the birds are gone away,
She's glad her simple worsted gray
Is silver now with clinging mist.

The desolate, deserted trees,
The faded earth, the heavy sky,
The beauties she so truly sees,
She thinks I have no eye for these,
And vexes me for reason why.

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow,
But it were vain to tell her so,
And they are better for her praise.

Robert Frost


i wasn't ready for you.

i can never promise you anything and i know that some things will get in the way, but who are we to say that we know what's going to happen? all i know is that i want you with me, and the rest can be left to sweet denial and time.

you're my love muffin...

... read him e. e. cummings while he did boy things with his toolbox, kissed in the rain while we hid under my scarf, made love, shared a custard tart, had ice cream on our way to dinner, cuddled in our sleep, showered huddled together, went up and down the escalator at the theatre etc etc etc.

... i let him in a little more, and he let me in a lot. he says he believes in all or nothing, so the pink toothbrush stays in the mason jar with his, and my keychain has another key.

he must love me.

i cried and cried and cried and cried...

I fell in your arms tonight.
I fell hard in your arms tonight, it was nice.
I died in your arms tonight.
I slipped through into the afterlife,
it was nice...
I lost sight in your arms tonight, it was nice.
And hey, you, don't you think it's kinda cute
that I died right inside your arms tonight
that I'm fine even after I have died
because it was in your arms I died.
I cried in the afterlife
I cry hard because I have died,
and you're alive.
I try to escape afterlife.
I try hard to get back inside
your arms alive.

"tis an awkward thing to play with souls"...

Credit: cartoonstyles.blogspot.com

... the struggle with the whole concept of being in a relationship continues. My mind is so perversed in its notions of it, and it is hard to break my sadistic habits. My poor lover. I can't help but expect the worst and what saddens me the most, is that it is as if my heart is unconsciously stumbling in the the dark for reasons for me to run away. It has been so easy when I kept my distance and not cared; it's really frustrating to deal with this because none of it makes sense.

gotta love how life fucks with my head...

...normalcy is a priviledge that i was not meant to have in this life i guess.

"I was dead unti you found me, though I breathed.
I was sightless, though I could see.
And then you came... I was awakened"
- unknown

on another note, it's been a month now. wow. i did not know that i was capable of it. i'm still overwhelmed by disbelief at times. i don't have to censor anything, all the things i thought were ugly and unmentionable, he nonchalantly tells me that it's okay. i actually can sleep at his place (WOW.) and feel completely comfortable around him. i didn't know that a man could make me feel... this much feelings.

yuck.

feelings. lol. i guess i'm not dead inside after all.

l'amour est l'amour, just look at her face.

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. But if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
-Bob Marley

i think you're beautiful.

... a Saturday full of lounging around, reading, eating, walking around, and napping with zee lover.

i said "ask me to stay" and he said...

credit: http://cartoonstyles.blogspot.com/

... "i want you to stay"


"please".

i knew it was coming. that feeling of being scared shitless. that feeling of panic. and that instinctual feeling to run away as far as i can. but i knew i wanted to stay.
i think he's actually good for me. which is a first.
work is better now that i'm not there during the day. i knew i was putting my eggs in the wrong basket but i was hoping i was wrong.

you're fixing me and you don't even know it.

i have found the unicorn.

... the disbelief continues. seriously? is this guy for real?

work is shit, and it's sucking harder lately. the money isn't really worth it anymore at this point.

i remember why i stayed away...

because the idea of it and realizing that i like you is opening up all the things that i've chosen to ignore... it will either be me pushing you away, or us both ending up exhausted... i don't know, it just doesn't seem fair. knowing you, you will try your hardest, and i will need you to, but it just doesn't seem fair.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

wow.

ok, i'm done freaking out now. but it'll take a few days for me to come to terms with it.

september 3rd 2010

... you're going to have to take the time, following the lines until you figure it out.

everything about him seems so genuine and i believe him...

... but i'm scared anyways and he said that was okay.

wow.

My body is such a fucking disaster.

"most(people simply can't) won't(most parent people mustn't shouldn't)most daren't"...

not being hydrated+a lot of sexing+too much caffeine=pain+antibiotics+waiting 2 hours for the doctor to tell me exactly what i knew, but damn it, i needed the prescriptions.

and i heard "i like kissing this and that of you"...

...well, THAT was a great f... uh... date.

a general malaise seems to have come over me...

... just woke up from sleeping all day long. i really thought i've learned the limitations of my body, but i guess i forgot that playing can be just as tiring as working.

it's fair if i state that i'm not interested in anything, right? i honestly have no interest in wasting my time and energy. but the curiosity... i've been good lately, so aren't i allowed one love em and leave em card?

robert browning will keep me company at work tomorrow.

i don't believe in lies. i believe in misleading truths.

a. i've spent the whole bloody weekend in heat and i'm exhausted.
b. being around children again reminded me about how much i very much dislike them. ugh, those slobbering pissy little creatures.
c. people need not to forget the difference between being good at something and actually liking something. i learned this in second year, and it's a fact that people often forget about when it comes to life and me as a person.
d. i don't understand guys who come back for sloppy seconds. buddy, i deleted your number for a reason.
e. why is the weekend over already. i do not feel rest at all.
f. blaaaaaaaaaaaargh i'm sticky.
g. reading kant.

"may i touch said he how much said she a lot said he why not said she"

i am in love with E E Cummings all over again. Reading him and fantasizing about JGL gets me through the day at work. lol.

it's been a busy week but an enjoyable one, i've accomplished a lot in my personal life (SEC, Dress for Best, seeing friends, tattoo etc). and i finally got my tax return yesterday. now i live like a king.

went vintage shopping with adrianna today. LOVE. we came out with bags full of clothes. i really needed to have some down time, since the insanity will continue tomorrow. nothing too reflective today, i'll leave being all introspective for uuuuh, maybe tuesday.

women without any wildness in them meet men who are just as tasteless as they are, and their love is an eager meaninglessness

shits gonna get real serious and i don't know how i feel about it...

... puuuull back, to keep my sanity. shit son, just chill and drink some lemonade. i am shamelessly trying to milk summer while i can, but i love the fall; it is my old lover that soothes.

my heart flutters still and it pisses me off, but it could be just my rage.

a crazy patch work of my random thoughts, and in all seriousness, i am that cute elephant hopping from one thing to another in my mind. i'm in a good place these days, doing whatever the fuck you want really helps.

it was me who was putting the biggest pressure on myself, and i changed that. i'm a different person every year, and it gives me hedonistic pleasure to know that i am changing.

on ne peut pas s’habiller comme on veut. Mais en plus on passe des heures à ne rien faire.

so sick of banal words, false gestures, all useless.

too many people talking about nothing, silence is underappreciated, it seems.

thank god i can be myself for the next three days.

being at work is being stuck in a lucid dream, but it is the consequence of the choice that i made and i half willingly give up on myself while i'm there. embracing it is better for my well being i figured. for now.

besides, once i'm off the clock, i don't remember anyways. then it's just me.

and it suffocates me even having to think about what's appropriate and what's not to wear. especially when i like being a little indecent in my attire at all times.



"don't you think i understand? the hopeless dream of being. not seeming but being. conscious at every moment. vigilant. at the same time the chasm between what you are to others and to yourself. the feeling of vertigo and the constant desire to be at last be exposed. to be seen through, cut down, perhaps even annihilated. every tone of voice is a lie, every gesture a falsehood, every smile a grimace. commit suicide? oh no. that's ugly. you don't do that. but you can be immobile, you can fall silent. then at least you don't lie. you can close yourself in, shut yourself off. then you don't have to play roles, show any faces or make false gestures. you think... but you see, reality is bloody minded. your hideout isn't watertight. Life seeps in everything. you're forced to react. no one asks if it's real or unreal, if you're true or false... I think you should maintain playing this role until it's played out. until it's no longer interesting. then you can leave it. just as you bit by bit leave all your other roles." - Ingmar Bergman's Persona

this man...

... makes me wet. i fancy him very much. well fit indeed.